Quick sand at that.
I knew that when my mother took the plunge into alcoholism she became 'a stranger to the truth'. There was always an element of truth to her stories, but it was often small and well hidden.
A little while ago I discovered that this trait was not, as I had thought, a side effect to being an alcoholic.
We were always told that her only sibling, a brother, had died of an untreated melanoma. We were also told that he was a doctor, and that he should have known better. It was certainly implied, if not actually stated, that he died relatively young, unmarried and childless.
One of my brothers has started exploring the family tree. He discovered that Uncle Peter had in fact died (of a heart attack) a few years after my mother. He had four children. In a recent visit to the UK my brother met with them for the first time. And as an aside he was appalled at how like one of them was to mama. Not only in looks, but in gestures. I find that fascinating as I would have thought that gestures were learned rather than inherited behaviour. The small truth to Mama's tale is that her brother was indeed a doctor.
Our cousins did not know what had caused the estrangement - and all those who could have known are dead.
I dismissed it initially, as inconsequential and yet another of mama's antics. And it was only today in commenting on someone else's blog that I realised how bereft I am feeling.
My father was an intensely private man. To the point where secretive is probably a more accurate description. However, as a German Jew he probably had reasons not to want to dwell in the past. I know nothing whatsoever about his side of the family. And am a little afraid to look.
I had assumed that I did know some things about my mother, her family and her upbringing. And now discover that she was lying about her background - early and late. And now I don't know what to believe, and which of the family stories are mythical.
An unsettling feeling. Though I am not sure why.
I knew that when my mother took the plunge into alcoholism she became 'a stranger to the truth'. There was always an element of truth to her stories, but it was often small and well hidden.
A little while ago I discovered that this trait was not, as I had thought, a side effect to being an alcoholic.
We were always told that her only sibling, a brother, had died of an untreated melanoma. We were also told that he was a doctor, and that he should have known better. It was certainly implied, if not actually stated, that he died relatively young, unmarried and childless.
One of my brothers has started exploring the family tree. He discovered that Uncle Peter had in fact died (of a heart attack) a few years after my mother. He had four children. In a recent visit to the UK my brother met with them for the first time. And as an aside he was appalled at how like one of them was to mama. Not only in looks, but in gestures. I find that fascinating as I would have thought that gestures were learned rather than inherited behaviour. The small truth to Mama's tale is that her brother was indeed a doctor.
Our cousins did not know what had caused the estrangement - and all those who could have known are dead.
I dismissed it initially, as inconsequential and yet another of mama's antics. And it was only today in commenting on someone else's blog that I realised how bereft I am feeling.
My father was an intensely private man. To the point where secretive is probably a more accurate description. However, as a German Jew he probably had reasons not to want to dwell in the past. I know nothing whatsoever about his side of the family. And am a little afraid to look.
I had assumed that I did know some things about my mother, her family and her upbringing. And now discover that she was lying about her background - early and late. And now I don't know what to believe, and which of the family stories are mythical.
An unsettling feeling. Though I am not sure why.
My mother's mother was a compulsive liar, so I can relate to some small extent to never being able to figure out what's true and what's not until you get independent verification.
ReplyDeleteSnowbrush: I think part of my problem is that there is no independent verification. All the protagonists are dead, carrying their secrets with them. Damn it.
ReplyDeleteGee. I don't know what to say. this is incredibly unsettling no doubt. I'm so sorry. How is settling possible when you're not so sure what is up and what is down? I hope somehow you find a way to work through it.
ReplyDeleteMy (divorced) parents were both liars. When I would ask questions about my early childhood, they would tell me different stories. I remember my dad clearly telling me once that he was the youngest child of 8 boys. Years later when my mum gave me a family tree album she'd made, I discovered that he was in fact a middle child of three boys. I also discovered that his parents were then dead, buried in paupers graves and no-one knows where. I also remember my mum telling me we had never lived in Norwood, although I clearly remember my sister and myself both going to the Primary School there, years later she casually mentioned something that had happened when we lived in Beulah Road. That's in Norwood!! I didn't bother questioning her on it, she was close to dying by then and after years of hearing lies I didn't care anymore.
ReplyDeleteWoah. All I can say is "full-on"! Your open and truthful blogging is such a fantastic irony in response to secrets.
ReplyDeleteReally challenging stuff. It's good that you have a relationship with your brother and share discoveries.
ReplyDeleteGemma: I am still not quite sure why I am finding it so upsetting. I guess it means I will have to stand on my own feet - which I always try to do anyway.
ReplyDeleteRiver: You too, huh. It is a bit sad that people need to do this.
Mitzi: Thanks. Honesty is hugely important to me, and more and more I am thinking it is because my parents were not. Both by acts of commission and omission.
Cat Drawings: They are half brothers - we had different fathers but we were brought up as family. And we have certainly stood shoulder to shoulder to fight some battles together. Many of them to protect ourselves.
ReplyDeleteI was amazed that my eldest niece is so like my father with her long boring stories and dwelling on hurts - she can got for two or more hours on a sprained ankle - it is so exactly like my father and she had not even spent any time much with him at that point in her life - genetics is an AWESOME thing. Awesome. I would have consider that a totally learned behaviour up until that point.
ReplyDeleteand I meant "go" not "got"
ReplyDeleteI don't know why people lie about things like that. But your mother must have become estranged with her brother and decided it was the best way to end the story. I am puzzled, too. But I am glad you eventually learned the truth.
ReplyDeleteHi EC (waving) haven't been in blogland for a while so it was a surprise to read this. And shocking - for you, I mean, because I don't know how you can rectify it.
ReplyDeleteDo any of your mother's brother's (oh, I should have said 'uncle's') children know the details?
EC - a troubling post. We all like to know for sure where we came from. Not that it makes a difference in who we are now, but it's always nice to trace ancestral lines and find something familiar to which we can say "well, now who I am makes sense." Many people never know even their immediate lineage; some seek it out, others leave it be. But to have information relied upon as true be revealed as one person's lies must be upsetting, especially since you don't really know in detail what motivated the misinformation. If it's any comfort, just decide that your true history begins and ends with your own thoughts, feelings and actions, and you are who you are no matter what - and by the way I really like that person! You are a champion of honesty in your own way. We need more like you.
ReplyDeleteMad Cat Lady: It is very strange isn't it?
ReplyDeleteDJan: We grew up thinking that our small family was all we had. And it seems we were wrong. Unsettling, sad and strange. And it also means that my mother missed out on (probably much needed) support after her first husband died.
Kath: Waving back. No, the cousins don't know what the issue(s) were either - but did know that there was some family in Oz.
Two Tigers: Thank you. I am still working through just why I find it so disturbing. And have decided (pretty much) that it is up to me to be the person I want to be. It also means that I can't blame the past - because I have not the remotist idea what is real and what is not.
Its amazing what you inherit from your parents, as for me i inherited my mums poor eye sight and weight problems which i have under control thankfully. :-).
ReplyDeleteE.C.: Am I right in thinking that you were raised by a fine, admirable mother who turned destructive and alcoholic in her later life?
ReplyDeleteAnd now you have found that some of those weaknesses were present all along: is that part of why it's unsettling?
("When mothers and daughters can't be friends". by Victoria Secunda, is interesting re this relationship. The library should be able to get it for you, if you're interested.)
I hope that I'm not out of line with that: I've taken it out and put it back a few times.
Windsmoke: I look like my mother, and have her weight issues. I hope and trust that I am honest. I try to be.
ReplyDeleteFrances: Spot on the money. She was a woman I aspired to become, and became a woman I am terrified of turning into. I will look out for that book - our library is pretty good. Another part of why it is unsettling is that I don't know who she was or where she came from - things I had thought I did know. Sigh.
My Mom was secretive also. The reason that I do not like secrets, I guess. I want to live an open kind of life so I do not need secrets, maybe that is the reason?? I do not know...Glad you found your family after all this time.
ReplyDeleteMy father made fun of my mother and hated her side of the family to his death, although they all preceded him in death. He was secretive and isolated our family. He had ten I think brothers and sisters, which means out there somewhere I must by now have a lot of relatives, but we, as children, never knew any of them. I don't know a single relative, outside of my brothers, who are distant and with whom I rarely see.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand how you might feel, about your roots, wanting to know, wanting to be connected, rooted in something, someone, and to find out what you knew isn't even likely truth. There's a need for family, for connection and when you haven't got that, you feel it more than those who do.
I don't know what to say... I just hope that you can reconcile yourself to your history.
ReplyDeleteYour post reminds me of my own family encounter with truth vs lies. Not so many years ago my Great Auntie decided to tell her daughter her life stories while on her death bed. To make sure that the stories were acurate, they were recorded. After my Great Auntie passed her daughter (an attorney/judge) had her secretary type up a draft from the tapes. Oh my, then the fun started! The "draft" was sent out to all of the family members for "proof" reading. Lets just say, the final as never completed and 'some' family members are still speaking to eachother. DahnStarr (not anonymous)
ReplyDeleteFar out. That is unsettling for zillions of reasons. Like ladyfi I don't know what to say. I think because it's incomprehensible to me. I hope you are able to come to terms with it all. What a difficult thing to work out.
ReplyDeletexxx
Kim@Stuff, Strayer, ladyfi, DahnStarr: Thank you all. Families are tricky animals. And we seem to like to believe a lot of things about them which simply are not true. I guess it is time that I girded my loins and continued on. Learning that my mama was a liar from way back probably doesn't change either her or me, and if regrets had a dollar value I would be a millionare.
ReplyDeleteSorry Tracy, your comment arrived while I was busy responding to the others. It was incomprehensible to me too, but as I said I don't think anything has been changed with the knowledge, I just have to adapt to it. Aaargh.
ReplyDeleteEC, people talk about it now because of the internet and what we can find out but back in the days, some things just got buried. My sister is two years younger and our memories are coloured by that age gap.
ReplyDeleteAs for great grandparents, German and French, then I'm just a sticky beak wondering where in world history they came from.
Families seem to be full of secrets, I have found out some through doing our family trees. My brother became estranged from the family nearly 10 years ago, and I still don't have a reason why. Although I sort of know. I have found that I try and move on as best I can.
ReplyDeleteOne often wonders why people lie, is it to protect themselves or the person they are lying to??
I have no answers for you, but I know how unsettling this must be for you and your brother. xxx
JahTeh: It isn't so much the not knowing I mind - it is the lies. Long standing lies. And certainly in her later drunken years she believed her lies, but I don't know whether the same applies to this one. Or any others that I don't yet know about.
ReplyDeleteKakka: Thanks. As I said before, families are tricky. And that is at the best of times. And I don't know at all who that lie was for - or whether my father knew it for a lie, and and and.
I'm not sure what to say, but I do know that it's better to let it out than to keep it all inside. There was depression in my family, that depression caused a lot of heartache and family rifts. My son has a lot of my Dad's characteristics and they were not able to spend a lot of time together because of distance. I see my son's facial and hand expressions, the way he walks and talks. It takes be aback at times. It's like my Dad isn't too far away even though he passed on when my son was little. It gives me comfort.
ReplyDeleteyou are certainly not the only one adrift in family morass!
ReplyDeleteAloha from Waikiki;
Comfort Spiral
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Denise, Cloudia: Thank you. Lots.
ReplyDeletei think the unsettled feeling might, in parts, come from the fact that there's a part of your family that you've never had the chance to get to know and explore until now. years lost in that aspect. i hope something good will come of this knowledge now instead!
ReplyDeletethe husband of a friend of mine learnt about an unknown elder sister last year, the sister was very keen on getting to know her "new family", he wasn't. we deal with such news in so many different ways...
You never know what you'll find when you begin digging under the old family tree. I found a great grandfather who killed another man in 1879 who had an extended affair with his wife. He was charged with murder. I found amazing details in the transcripts of the 5 day trial. Turns out he was found not guilty by reason of self defense but he eventually moved to Alberta, Canada to escape the local ramifications of the incident. And that's where his grandson, my dad, met my mother. Such a convoluted web of circumstances that leads us all to where we are today.
ReplyDeleteMy g-grandfather's name was Joseph Smith Dudley and he had a son and a grandson of exactly the same, name so I call him "Killer Joe" to distinguish him from the other Joe's. Apparently he was a hard-nosed, crusty but honest man and I've had a blast digging up all the old stories. Until I did so, no one in my living family knew about the killing and they are very grateful to learn the family history, warts and all.
I would encourage you to do some "looking" into your father's background. I'm certainly glad I did.
Ron: Thanks for visiting. How fascinating to uncover such an amazing story about a relative. I think I would/will have trouble tracking my father's family back because I know so little - but someday, maybe ...
ReplyDelete