an attack of the inadequacies. I don't know where it came from, but it is seriously demoralising.
I was on call for Lifeline last night and still on the phone at half past midnight while the smaller portion and Jazz slumbered blissfully. Jewel was helping me, and I had to fend her away from the phone at regular intervals. I do not think the sounds of either a purring or a complaining cat would have been positively received. A very sad call, but not a tragedy and I think the three of us (the caller, the telephone counsellor and I) came out the other side reasonably OK.
After the call I was over Jewel demanded some one-on-one time. She wanted to bat her acorn around the kitchen, and be applauded for same. And then she knocked it under the fridge. I flatly refused to even attempt to get it out for her and got her another one. Which she rejected emphatically. So she and I both retired to bed with the huffs.
This morning I was wearing my MS peer support hat. I rang a person I have been recently matched up with at 11, as previously arranged (by phone and by mail). The call went straight through to voice mail. I left a message saying I would ring back in half an hour. Through to voice mail again, so the new message said I would ring back at 12. Voice mail again. His phone was obviously not switched on, or he had been on the phone the whole time. So I left yet another message saying I would ring at the same time next week. Seriously frustrating. And of course I had to document both my attempts and eventual failure to get through.
In the middle of all that the phone rang. A person, also with MS, also providing peer support. She has been matched with someone in a heart breakingly difficult situation and wanted to talk it through.
Somehow I did those things, while simultaneously feeling an abject failure in every aspect of my own life. Very, very weird. The human psyche I mean. It is a grey day here and I am really, really hoping that a modicum of self confidence will emerge with the next rays of sunlight. And that I can go out to play in the garden again.
You are a bright soul. Hope it all works out and it's great that Jazz is a fussy cat.
ReplyDeleteWhere do they come from these attacks of inadequacies? I hope it leaves you soon enough. All those things you did, they are so important. They are the kinds of things that make the world go round.
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We all have these times of feeling that we make no difference. I call them my black hole days.
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of the energy and time that you put into helping others - it is really hard for everyone not to let the little things get them down... as I know full well. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Is it in the air or something? I'm in a depressive mental hole myself at the moment. And I know that when one feels that way, generally no amount of being reassured otherwise really seems to ease the insecurity and anxiety. But you do amazing good works, far more than most, and are a good person, even when unappreciative people don't answer the phone. I'm thinking perhaps the person you called either got the day wrong, or else isn't really ready to talk about it just yet. You never know what is going on in someone else's universe.
ReplyDeleteSort of related...I recently got a very sweet note from someone who was agonizing--convinced she'd said something that had upset me during a conversation we'd had recently. My view of the conversation had been that it had been inspiring and wonderful, and what she'd said I'd never would've thought twice about. I was glad she'd contacted me and I was able to reassure her. It also made me wonder about times I've tormented myself in similar situations. Is it often mostly an illusion?
Those "inadequate" days are sent to make sure we appreciate the good days. You can't have rainbows without a little rain.
ReplyDeleteFeel better?
you are one of those people that others count on being there when they need you... lifelines and peer counseling... you are not inadequate in any way!
ReplyDeletei had a peer counselor in the beginning of my MS days... and sometimes i didn't answer when she called... i had no idea that my not answering could maybe make her feel badly...
but sometimes i just couldn't bring myself to talk it all through... didn't want to talk.. just wanted to roll around in my pity... of course i always returned the call the next day, sometimes later in the same day ... and i would let her know that i didn't feel like talking...
i guess what i'm saying is that you are not inadequate... it could be that the other person isn't ready or just can't sometimes when you call...
it's not you my friend...
I have those days, too. But yours is brought on by your own ability to care about others, it seems. Do you find writing on your blog helps? I know it does help me, especially when the commenters give me some perspective. I wish I could do that for you, as you usually brighten my days with these posts. Sending you virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteI feel like a failure in my own life sometimes as well....as a daughter, wife and mother and even human being at times.....It's nice that you have your successes in your volunteer work to hang on to in those times. Small successes here and there keep our levels of self worth up and we need that. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteimpressive, to me, that despite your feelings of inadequacy you worked hard at the outreach to others in need... having purpose... having others counting on you.... sometimes these are the things that help pull us from the troughs.
ReplyDeletehere's to better days ahead for you...
Sometimes the acorn rolls under the fridge, and sometimes it will roll back out. Hope you enjoy some cheerful feelings some short way down the track.
ReplyDeleteIt's human nature to feel inadequate at times but I for one greatly admire you - no I'm not faking it or just saying it, I truly do believe you are a ray of sunshine in the lives of so many. We all seem to get a fit of the blue's don't we? I hope yours is well on it's way by now and I'm sending a big hug from me too.
ReplyDeleteWe all feel inadequate from time to time remain positive and look forward to brighter days ahead :-).
ReplyDeleteThank you one and all. I truly didn't write this post seeking sympathy and virtual hugs, but am very touched by the support I have received. I am still in a bad spot, so am pushing myself away from the computer and going outside.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry it gets you down. You are working hard at what you do and cannot be responsible for making people feel any better than they want to work at feeling. Mitzi's right about the acorn--you can't get it when it's under the fridge.
ReplyDeleteBut that's the best thing about blogs... you can send your blue days out to forage and they come back with friends. What did we do before the internet?
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better by the time I've bumbled along. (Happy that Cat Drawings got to you first, we have a long history of supporting each other's bad days.)
well... you seem to be doing a great deal of helping work - Lifeline and committment to MS support. From what you have written neither are easy briefs; you have encountered a few people suffering much emotional pain. It may be enough for them for you to be a'good enough' presence.... Take care..
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything I could say to comfort you that hasn't already been said, and said exceptionally well. Because of that I'm just going to say "I love ya, lady. I got yer back if you need me."
ReplyDeleteI see that you had a lot of comments of support...so glad you did and i hope it helps. I will add that you are not inadequate but an inspiration!
ReplyDelete'Inadequacy Attacks' are unfair in themselves. They prey on wonderful souls such as yourself who least deserve it, at a time when you don't have the energy or defences to smack it back from whence it came.
ReplyDeleteInadequate you aint!
There's this guy in Corvallis, Dave. He has this philosophy, that we're all fuck ups, that we will never be anything, nothing big or really important, that is, that the importance we of what we do, won't be immediately forgotten upon our demise, that once we achieve one thing, we immediately think it's not enough, in never ending inadequacy of achievement, denying ourselves happiness instead of just relaxing, enjoying life, and admitting we're all fuck ups, basically.
ReplyDeleteThe philosophy of Dave. I did not adequately express it (showing my own beat myself up inadequacies there).
In other words, I don't even know you and I think highly of you.
Your flowers, your photos, your writing, your attitude--I love them!
I messed up this comment.
I can tell you something that hasn't been said. When a rock like you crumbles, it is called erosion. And do you know what? Erosion is pretty. So you take the time you need to pull weeds and make space for more beautiful flowers, then you'll be stronger and more effective to assist others in need.
ReplyDeleteThanks for visiting and commenting on my blog. It's always nice to see someone new come by.
Thank you all again. I am slowly climbing out of this, but am not going to reply to all your lovely, lovely comments one at a time or I would dissolve into tears, cry a puddle and drown myself. But thank you. Lots.
ReplyDeleteAt the risk of provoking another tear puddle, EC, you are always going above and beyond what could possibly be expected of a mere mortal, and do so with minimal complaint and great sensitivity. So, if you sometimes can't live up to your own shining example, I think you've earned that occasional "off" day which would be anyone else's idea of the most productive day of their life! That said, I get it. Almost every day I feel I've failed to accomplish enough. But like you, if I didn't care so much about doing good and doing it well, it wouldn't matter. I'm glad that you care, and I'm glad that it matters.
ReplyDeleteTwo Tigers: Yup, more leaky eyes. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteI love the acorn under the fridge story! Funny that no other acorn would do, it had to be that one, and that Jewel would rather pout and go to bed than play with a substitute acorn! See, humans aren't the only beings with mystifying psyches! :-)
ReplyDeleteYou got a lot of beautiful, loving words of support and wonderful advice and perspectives here, and all I can do is agree that we all have those bugaboo mental gremlins that unfairly torment us with feelings of failure and inadequacy, and I hope your Inadequacy Gremlins are long gone by now. You are obviously a sensitive soul and a powerful empath, so it's not surprising that in a world filled with so much suffering, you feel the pain of others. What's amazing is the amount of courage you have that enables you to expose yourself to all that suffering through your volunteer work, and do your best to ease as much of it as is humanly possible. Kudos to you!!
I do not have MS, but, as you know, I have profound neurological issues that result in constant, severe pain, and debilitation when I want to walk, stand, or, well, MOVE.
ReplyDeleteI think that "Medically retired" sounds SO MUCH more positive than "on disability!" Simple and straightforward.
But why is it that we don't seem to be able to cut ourselves the same break we cut others? OTHER people may have, as one of your readers said, black hole days. But oh, no, not you.
And failure? Because the other person was not there or did not pick up? That person missed the opportunity to talk to a someone with a soul of LIGHT. His loss. PEriod.
People don't always agree with this, but I think that sometimes the black hole days, or gray days when we just, plain are fed up with what we deal with all day every day, are regrouping days. It's honest to say, "I HATE THIS AND DON'T WANT IT." It interferes with our nature, when our nature is to MOVE, to DO, to ACT. The readjustments and, as I clearly would say as well, the reinvention of our lives sometimes just stinks!
So I DO take a day or two sometimes to be the crankiest of yankees. (I live alone. Good thing!) And then I am good to go for quite a while. I beat myself up more when I do not let it out.
You are not in the same country as "failure."
Laloofah: Acorn shells are Jewels favourite toy and she is incredibly adept with them. We have a big pile of them in the kitchen as she stashes them around the house and then complains she has nothing to play with. I live with the inadequacies all the time, it just sometimes rears up and bites. I am more or less sucessfully squashing it down at the moment. Thank you for adding your good wishes to the very moving pile.
ReplyDeleteJeanetteLS: Medically retired was a shorthand I developed when I became tired of explaining why I wasn't 'participating', or in the work-force.
On days when the pain or the inability to move rise to the surface I get incredibly pissed off. That said, sometimes those time out days/weeks are also times of growth. Painful but in the end worthwhile.
Oh my, you're much better than you think I suspect, and you patience is certainly something to be proud of, at least in public! Really frustrating, and quite a load to carry, but remember that as you feel inadequate you're also an inspiration, to me at least.
ReplyDeleteAll Consuming: Thank you. I wish I felt like an inspiration.
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