WEP October Challenge - The Scream

 

The WEP Challenge is back.  Huge thanks to the organisers and participants.  A visit HERE will give access to a range of talented (so very talented) and different takes on the theme.  I do hope you will visit others and applaud them.  Names will be added over the next couple of days and a revisit is always worthwhile.

 

I have been absent from WEP for a while but have rejoined for this challenge.  Due warning, my story is dark. 

 

 

Un…

 

The farmhouse they rented was isolated.  It was also both shabby and spartan.  No phone, she had no transport and the nearest town was five miles away.

He was away for work.  Again. 

He was due home in another ten days.

She was alone.  Again.  Still. 

High summer, and outside it was blisteringly hot, dry and cloudless.  Water was at a premium and the house tanks were all but dry.  If she was to wash herself or her clothes she had to travel. She could have walked into town and caught the train to do the washing and to see friends.

She didn’t.

It was quiet at home;  baaing sheep, bird song and, twice daily, a train chuffing through, its whistle echoing across the empty paddocks.

Her earworm was louder and more intrusive than those sounds.

 

‘It's already over in my head
It's been cloudy with a chance of anxiety
Can't keep out the demons inside of me
Maybe I'm just better off dead’

She hated the song, most of which had no relevance to her or her situation.  Just the same ‘better off dead’ set the metronome to her days.  Its regular hard hitting beat was always there.  Only the volume changed.  Sometimes it was a murmur and at other times a scream.

She was unEmployed, unHappy and unNecessary.

Oh hell, let’s not beat about the bush.  She was me.

Drowning in and beaten down by that earworm I walked into town and was lucky enough to get an immediate appointment to see a doctor.

Lucky?  UnLucky. 

 

He was dismissive.  UnKind. UnHelpful.  'Snap out of it!' was the best he could offer.  When pushed he said he could refer me to a psychologist where there was at least a three month waiting list.  Cursing the wasted expenditure of money I didn’t have and couldn’t spare I walked home again to an empty and unWelcoming house. 

Maybe I'm just better off dead

Essential tasks called.  I fed the chooks, fed the cats and faced my empty days. Continuing to exist like this was unAcceptable.

Maybe I'm just better off dead

A solution was close to hand.  Twice daily (at midnight and at midday) the train ran through the bottom paddock.  It came round a bend and if I lay down on the tracks the driver would be unable to brake in time.  A short walk (less than half a mile) and my despair and pain would be over.  The midnight train would probably be best.

I thought about it.  I thought some more.  It would work.  I felt for the train driver, but the trains ran over other animals quite frequently.

Timing.  The animals at home needed my attention.  It would be unFair if my solution caused them to suffer.  Nine days left now.

Finding a solution, a solution that meant I would no longer be a burden to myself or anyone else was wonderful (the world would not miss me).  Calming.  Comforting.  Freeing.  My mind (despite that chant) was less despairing than it had been in many a long dark day and night.  I had a plan, I had the means and I had a time frame.

Waiting for the day and the hour I sat on the floor ripping pieces of paper into smaller and smaller pieces.

… better off dead

 

… better off dead

 

Maybe I AM  just better off dead

 

The pile of confetti beside me grew.  Night followed day followed day followed night.  I didn’t eat, I barely slept.  The animals were fed and watered.

Old letters, half finished pieces of writing, newspapers and bills fed the pile.  There seemed to be no end to them, as there was no end to my pain.

Maybe I'm just better off dead

 

Day eight.  So close now.

… better off dead

 

Day nine.  Less than 12 hours to endure.  I picked up the piles of confetti.  Leaving things tidy was a must.

… better off dead

… better off dead

… better off dead

 

Then I heard a car pull into the driveway.

His car.

… better off dead

 

‘You are home early. ’

‘The job took less time than we expected so I came straight home.  What have you been doing while I was away.’

‘Not a lot.’

For some reason I couldn’t sneak out and down to the train tracks when he was home. 

Fortunate?  UnFortunate? 

Action postponed but not cancelled.

I still, decades later, hear that siren call.  I can usually distract myself and shift my focus now.  And hope I always will, but cannot guarantee it.

… better off dead

… better off dead

… better off dead

 

Still there, but much quieter.

I suspect it is a part of the reason I volunteer on the crisis line.  Their circumstances, triggers and solutions may not be mine, but the pain and the despair are so very familiar.

If they can live it, I can listen.  Some people at least do not go unHeard.

 

***

Word Count:  830

tag # Sometimes no-one else will hear your screams.

Comment rather than Critique please.  I suspect I would take critique personally.

Words for Wednesday 20/10/2021

 

 

This meme was started by Delores a long time ago.  Computer issues led her to bow out for a while.  The meme was too much fun to let go, and now Words for Wednesday is provided by a number of people and has become a movable feast. 

Essentially the aim is to encourage us to write.  Each week we are given a choice of prompts: which can be words, phrases, music or an image.   What we do with those prompts is up to us:  a short story, prose, a song, a poem, or treating them with ignore...  We can use some or all of the prompts, and mixing and matching is encouraged.

Some of us put our creation in comments on the post, and others post on their own blog.  I would really like it if as many people as possible joined into this fun meme, which includes cheering on the other participants.  If you are posting on your own blog - let me know so that I, and other participants, can come along and applaud.

This month the prompts will be here.

This week's prompts are:

First an image, which some of you have seen before.

 And secondly some words because some people (me) struggle with visual prompts.

1. Horizon
2. Tired
3. Coincidence
4. Splashed
5. Holiday
6. Understand
   

Have fun.

Sunday Selections #555

 

Sunday Selections was originally brought to us by Kim, of Frogpondsrock, as an ongoing meme where participants could post previously unused photos languishing in their files.

 

Huge thanks to Cie who gave me this wonderful Sunday Selections image.

 

The meme was then continued by River at Drifting through life.  Sadly she has now stepped aside (though she will join us some weeks), and I have accepted the mantle. 

 

The rules are so simple as to be almost non-existent.  Post some photos under the title Sunday Selections and link back to me. Clicking on any of the photos will make them embiggen.   

I usually run with a theme. On Friday our lockdown was not lifted, but moved to lockdown lite.  Masks continue to be mandatory and our travel is restricted.  However we can do a great deal more now.  Many businesses have reopened, including bars, cafes and restaurants (subject to reduced numbers of patrons).  Some have not.  Sadly (from my perspective), libraries, bookshops and nurseries will not reopen before the end of this month.  Many businesses are open on a click and collect basis, but these are places I like to browse - and I really want to purchase some vegetable seedlings.

So for this week I am reverting to type again.  There will be photos from Floriade Reimagined, and from our garden/jungle.  I will try hard to find different subjects for your tired and patient eyes in the weeks to come.

Starting with Floriade Reimagined.  Bulbs were planted in community shopping centres and other places across the city.  Because of our lockdown I couldn't hunt many of them down - but here are some of the ones I did see.

Then to our garden.  We have had a very wet Spring.  The garden (weeds and all) has thrived.  When we finally get a few dry days there is a LOT of work I need to do.

I really like this ornamental cherry and look forward to it blossoming each year.  After a torrential downpour (or six), those blossoms are now pretty pink confetti.

The lilac is out and scenting (I am told) the air in a delightful way.  Sadly a succession of sinus issues means that my sense of smell has been diminished.

The banskia roses are coming out too.  In some lights the yellow banskia roses cascading down between us and a neighbour look like golden fairy lights.

The daisies are going gangbusters too.
 

As covid restrictions ease across the country, politicians and some people are talking about freedom.  My heart goes out to the health care workers who have and will pay a high price for that freedom.

I hope your week is happy, healthy and fun.