Our daily whinge.
Over the last couple of days I have been wrestling with feelings of inadequacy. Wrestling and losing. Not certain where they came from. Am certain I would like them to piss off. Postcards not required.
My body is not behaving well which I find a little surprising given that we are now into cooler weather. But no, the body is stiff, sore and reluctant to move. Humph. And the mind seems to be following suit. A swim might help, but for the last few days it has seemed toooo hard. Perhaps tomorrow. I don't know why swimming often helps with the pain but so long as I manage a least a kilometre it mostly does. And on the occasions it doesn't I am mightily peeved.
This morning I went for a walk. It felt as if I had a broomstick up my fundament and probably looked like it too. I only wandered down to the local shops and back - a round trip of a couple of kilometres. While there I picked up some tofu which I am fond of. The smaller portion refers to it as bean turd and implores me to consider the tofudelopes who have been sacrificed. I also hit the book stall which lies in lurk there. A very cheap range of interesting titles. And I am such a regular customer I get discounts on the discounts (25% today). The walk home is up hill and a little more challenging. And the benefits from the walk (except of course for the tofu and the books) were marginal. Still stiff, still sore. Sigh.
My current reading is probably not helping on the inadequacy front. One of the books currently on the go is an autobiography by Dianna Patterson who was the first Australian woman to become leader at one of our Antarctic research stations. A super high-achiever and a driven woman who while in Antarctica taught herself Chinese using audio tapes in her spare time (!?).
And, because I am a glutton for punishment, I have agreed to assist in training the newest group of Lifeline recruits next Saturday. It will be a big and gruelling day, starting before eight and probably finishing around half five. And tears will almost certainly be shed by some of the trainees. Hopefully not by me. And if it is as full-on as I expect I will probably be better off taking to my bed for a few days afterwards. All because I find no a difficult word. To say to myself or to other people. I had been successfully ignoring the begging emails when they played dirty and rang up with the personal approach. And I couldn't think of any reason for my refusal which didn't sound like an excuse. 'I don't wanna' somehow doesn't cut it. Aaaargh.
I'm stiff and sore every winter until i motivate myself to go for a 10 kilometre walk then i'm full of beans and ready to take on anything including your challenge to write a Haiku about Rain and no your not being pushy. So come visit me next Wednesday or anytime for that matter and read your special Haiku about Rain :-).
ReplyDeleteThanks Windsmoke. Much appreciated.
ReplyDeleteShe probably didn't get fluent in Chinese. Not from audio tapes. Did she? Tell me she didn't.
ReplyDeleteTracy: She didn't actually say that she became fluent, but given her other achievements I wouldn't be surprised.
ReplyDeleteHave just stumbled across your blog. Enjoying it, splendid cats and I LOVE you banner. Bird standoff?
ReplyDeleteFiveandtwo: Thankyou. A bird stand off it was. Repeated many times each day. On that particular day a wet and aggressive corella was not going to give up the feeder to a magpie (which usually rules). The galah in the background was waiting, more or less patiently.
ReplyDelete"the body is stiff, sore and reluctant to move".
ReplyDeleteJoin the club. It's kind of a sucky club, but there's lots of us and you're welcome here.
Guess we've all been there - and some of us still are. Not that that's much use to you. That little word "no" has much to answer for. (Or is it "yes" that's the cause of all the trouble?)
ReplyDeleteI think that stiff and sore thing is part of aging. I just plow my way through it, though, and sometimes I self medicate with ibuprofen and/or wine in the evening. It does seem to help.
ReplyDeleteHope you're feeling better soon.
Whinging is permitted. I have found the season changes really affect the MS. I have different symptoms in the winter and summer. Can't seem to win really.
ReplyDeleteOne of the hardest words to learn to say is NO. You can get better at saying it with practice ; )
Oh dear re Saturday. I know I could hit myself when my mouth blurts out Yes when my mind is screming No! I'm great at stopping others doing it, but never listen to my own advice. Of course it's always harder when it's a good cause like Lifeline.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear about the pain - it must be so frustrating and worrying as the season turns towards winter. I know my osteoarthritis is much worse in the colder months and some days I hobble around like a woman in her 90's rather thsn in her 50's. I hope the swimming helps.
"No" is the hardest word to say for most of us, especially people like you, EC, who wrestle with not only a difficult physical illness but also worry about how you should be 'contributing', to 'help out', not be seen as lazy etc.
ReplyDeleteCould your smaller half take the phone call next time so that he can say 'no' instead? Sometimes that tiny word is much more effective when someone else (who is very close to you) can step in and say, "Sorry, she's not able to do that for you today/next week/this financial year as her health isn't up to it."
I wish you luck with managing that tiny word because I'm great at giving advice but have daily struggles with it myself. :)
Thank you all. Lots.
ReplyDeleteRiver: I think it was Groucho Marx who said that he didn't want to belong to any club that would have him as a member. And the sucky pain club is certainly one of them.
No, no, no. Perhaps if I develop no, no and fuck no as my mantra it will get easier. Probably not though. I think Kath is right and it is tied up with my need to contribute. I know Kath is right.
The pain is at the moment always there and the sort of drugs the doctors will allow me don't touch it. And given that anasthetics don't work when the pain is bad I would probably over medicate anyway.
I find it fascinating (in an ikky sort of way) that most arthritis sufferers have more trouble in winter and many people with MS find summer more challenging. Usually winter is easier for me but it doesn't seem to have settled yet. Early days I guess.
I believe the solution is a device called an "answering machine"! Still, volunteer groups oughta know that the more enthusiastic the trainers, the better the zeal imparted to the trainees. Still, I'm sure you'll do the job justice. There was a bemusing history written somewhere of people taking to their bed. No harm in pledging allegiance to the Order of the Doona. Feel better, EC!
ReplyDeleteHi Mitzi: One of Charles Darwin's sisters had a dose of flu as a young person and was advised to have breakfast in bed for a while. She never got up for breakfast again - and lived to a ripe old age.
ReplyDeleteThe work I will be doing is critiquing practise calls. A delicate, difficult and essential job. Aaaargh.
"NO" must be practiced until it rolls off the tongue BEFORE people ask you to do something. and here's hoping the stiffness is just transient and due to changes in the weather...
ReplyDeleteWe women have to practise saying NO more often! Still, I hope it will be a rewarding day for you so that you will be glad you said YES!
ReplyDeleteI'm personally getting more comfortable with turning down requests and explaining that I just can't because of my health. It's not an excuse. It's the truth. It's different for the non-afflicted. They don't understand how large the sacrifice is when they ask (or twist your arm) and you say yes. I recently, finally stepped down from a volunteer thing I'd long wanted to stop doing, but kept doing out of guilt. Walking away felt so liberating! I felt stronger, rather than weaker. And the group managed to continue fine without me. Of course, that was a different situation. But I can say from personal experience that gritting your teeth through agony and exhaustion and suffering to the point of incapacity for days afterward because you were trying to be nice is a path to resentment and unhappiness.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I'm also going crazy this year trying to fulfill an obligation I regret smiling and saying 'yes' to... sigh...
Let's practice..."No!" "No!" "Hell no!" And pushing the button that turns off the ringer on the phone! (That's a particularly useful button to be familiar with.) Good luck on Saturday, truly, with hugs.
EC - It's taken me until my middle age to learn how to say NO without feeling as if I am a huge disappointment to one and all and myself foremost. Unfortunately at this age, I forget things more easily, so I have to re-learn and refresh the technique quite often! And I do think more women suffer from this affliction than males. Sorry to hear you're not as well as you'd like to be. Why is it that for some of us the mind and body are so interconnected? I can start the day in a good mood, but if my body fails to serve me in some appointed task, that mood goes down the drain. Feel better, you! There - a good use of your not being able to say no!
ReplyDeleteyou are a great soul, more than worthy. you struggle with honor & live with wit and grace, friend.
ReplyDeleteAloha from Waikiki
Comfort Spiral
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There's no real measure of success. It's all human made, much of it by our own selves. We are all failures, in our own way. And even the biggest over achievers out there amount to nothing in the vastness of space and time. No one will remember any of them, once gone. Who says we need to do anything more than lay out in a lawn chair all our lives, watching sunsets and sipping margaritas? Who says?
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