The week that was

The feelings of inadequacy are moving off centre stage in my head.  They are still present, but as a bit player.  And I don't think they ever completely leave me, so I can probably cope with them in the wings as it were.

I have swum more, probably about 2.5 kilometres last week (over two sessions).  Thanks to DJan I am still working on the kick while breathing caper.  Harder than it sounds.  Drat it.  Given their druthers my legs would simply come along for the ride and let my arms do everything.  So I take along a kickboard and one lap in ten is just kicking.

I went to the dentist.  Firstly because I was due to have a check up, and secondly because I have been having significant shooting pains in my mouth.  The pain can come on either side of my mouth and doesn't seem to be triggered by anything in particular.  The result of the dentist visit was a very mixed blessing.  My teeth are all fine, and she took x-rays to ensure that there was nothing untoward happening out of sight.  Sadly, this means the pain is neurological.  I never thought that I would see the day where I was hoping for the dentist to find a decayed tooth or teeth.

I have finally made contact with the farmer that I was to talk to as part of the MS Peer Support Program.  He is doing it tough at the moment and for the next little while I will be talking to him each week, making sure that he is OK and just touching base.

I did a Lifeline shift last week and deserve brownie points for not telling one of our callers that he had behaved like a complete prat and was reaping what he had sown.  And yet more brownie points because I saved my laughter till the call had ended.  The poor possum had behaved badly for a number of years, was found out through his own carelessness and was appalled at being called to account for his actions.  Though I can't really climb too far up the path to the moral high ground myself without risking a fall.  The rest of the shift was the usual mixture of grief and pain.

On Friday I went to an exercise class at the local MS centre.  While I am a member there I try and avoid the place because I want my life to be about more than MS.   A lot more.  The class they were offering meets my needs though.  It is designed with people with MS in mind, is relatively gentle, and should improve both strength and flexibility.  And it was cheap.  There were only two of us participating which meant that I got all the attention (and then some) that I needed.  Sadly the other participant is showing strong signs of wishing to stick to me closer than glue.  Being moderately antisocial I am not happy about this.  Time will tell.

We have planted the Sumo Liliums, Calla Lilies, Columbine, Hollyhock and Sea Hollies  I ordered.  It is expected to rain gently for the next few days which will be good for them and also for the dahlias currently sitting in a box on the kitchen floor.  Or it will be good for the dahlias when I get around to putting them into the ground.  I have weeded.  More required.

The smaller portion bought me a book of logic problems so that I am compelled to exercise my brain.  I am currently reading 'The Chocolate Wars - from Cadbury to Kraft; 200 years of Sweet Success and Bitter Rivalries' and 'The Brides Farewell'.  I usually have a novel and a biography of some sort on the go at any one time.  The novel for reading in bed.  I cannot go to sleep without reading at least a little.  Paperbacks only.  Hardbacks hurt when they fall onto my face. 

It was a busy week, and probably too busy because I feel a little like chewed string, but I did at least get quite a lot done.  Not forgetting taking time out to watch the birds.

Give us this day ....

Our daily whinge.

Over the last couple of days I have been wrestling with feelings of inadequacy. Wrestling and losing.  Not certain where they came from.  Am certain I would like them to piss off.  Postcards not required.

My body is not behaving well which I find a little surprising given that we are now into cooler weather.  But no, the body is stiff, sore and reluctant to move.  Humph.  And the mind seems to be following suit.  A swim might help, but for the last few days it has seemed toooo hard.  Perhaps tomorrow.  I don't know why swimming often helps with the pain but so long as I manage a least a kilometre it mostly does.  And on the occasions it doesn't I am mightily peeved.

This morning I went for a walk.  It felt as if I had a broomstick up my fundament and probably looked like it too.  I only wandered down to the local shops and back - a round trip of a couple of kilometres.  While there I picked up some tofu which I am fond of.  The smaller portion refers to it as bean turd and implores me to consider the tofudelopes who have been sacrificed.  I also hit the book stall which lies in lurk there.  A very cheap range of interesting titles.  And I am such a regular customer I get discounts on the discounts (25% today).   The walk home is up hill and a little more challenging.  And the benefits from the walk (except of course for the tofu and the books) were marginal.  Still stiff, still sore.  Sigh.

My current reading is probably not helping on the inadequacy front.  One of the books currently on the go is an autobiography by Dianna Patterson who was the first Australian woman to become leader at one of our Antarctic research stations.  A super high-achiever and a driven woman who while in Antarctica taught herself Chinese using audio tapes in her spare time (!?).

And, because I am a glutton for punishment, I have agreed to assist in training the newest group of Lifeline recruits next Saturday.  It will be a big and gruelling day, starting before eight and probably finishing around half five.  And tears will almost certainly be shed by some of the trainees.  Hopefully not by me.   And if it is as full-on as I expect I will probably be better off taking to my bed for a few days afterwards.  All because I find no a difficult word.  To say to myself or to other people. I had been successfully ignoring the begging emails when they played dirty and rang up with the personal approach.  And I couldn't think of any reason for my refusal which didn't sound like an excuse.   'I don't wanna' somehow doesn't cut it.  Aaaargh.