Wet and Aggressive Corella challenges Magpie

Wet and Aggressive Corella challenges Magpie

Thursday, 8 January 2015

Do you Ever Wonder

why when a kind and considerate soul feels obliged to tell us something for our own good it is never anything nice?

Do these scrupulously honest people only see the negatives?  There seems to be an assumption that if you haven't heard otherwise you are doing fine.  Just sometimes it would be nice to be handed compliments out of the blue.  Mind you, as a related aside, why is it so much easier to accept and believe criticism than the opposite?

And no, this post isn't the result of one of these charmers materialising in my life, but of a post by the lovely Cloudia which made me think.

And, while I am on a roll, I could do without these people as well.



This is the effect they have on me.


or this


Just the same, I am very grateful for the people I have found in the blogosphere.


And a tribe I have found.  Thank you, one and all.

125 comments:

  1. Does anyone remember "Freedom of Speech"? Right now the attitude is "you don't believe with me? Then...you're a racist...you're intolerant..." I love the tribe, Sweatpants & Coffee.
    It feels wonderful to see familiar names & friends.

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    1. Susan Kane: And friends they are. Some of them we may never meet - and it doesn't matter.

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    2. too many folks who purport to be tolerant are not tolerant as they don't tolerate you if you don't agree with them or aren't like them

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  2. Ah yes, I was fond of that post, as I am always pleased, warmed, humored and just like you said, stop to think/ponder. I am in complete agreement with your post today as well. I love all the weirdos in my tribe!

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    1. Karen S.: Here's to all the weirdos in all of our tribes.

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  3. So funny you bring this matter up as this dragon does have something to tell you for your own good. You are... a very dear friend and have a special place in my dragon's heart! I will smoke you if you doubt my word. You have been in my thoughts very often these past week. I re-read the story of the old phone on the wall you sent my way several months ago and I smile each time I think on you. Your pictures of parrots, flowers and beautiful skies always brighten my days and both me and the dwarves look forward to your visits to the dragon cave. You must know you are one of the best friends a dragon can have, and it is for your own good to accept it and believe it too. :) Lots of Dragon Hugs to you and may this 2015 bring multiple blessings to you.

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    1. Al Diaz: Thank you Father Dragon. I will try and believe you. I believe you mean it but there is a part of me that insists you are wrong. Hugs.

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  4. I lost control - awesome!
    I used to work with someone like that. He could only see the negative and had to point it out to everyone. He wasn't mean, just too negative with his honesty.

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    1. Alex J. Cavanaugh: And he couldn't see any reason to be honest with compliments could he? Which is sad, bad and common.

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  5. Mr negativity lives here with me....I try to keep him under control lol. Yay for the tribe.

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    1. Delores: Definitely yay for the tribe. And how do you keep your negativity under control? I try, and often fail.

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  6. If it weren't for weirdos I would have no followers at all!!

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    1. fishducky: I suspect you are wrong, but you might have one or two less.

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  7. Dear EC
    Me too - definitely! Hoorah for our tribe!
    Best wishes
    Ellie

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    Replies
    1. Ellie Foster: How lovely that so many of us recognise and celebrate the tribe.

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  8. I take measureless pride in being part of your tribe.

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  9. Ah, dear fellow Weird One, we are so much a tribe that celebrates one another's ups and downs and all arounds. Love you whole bunches! :-)

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  10. What if being weird is actually normal? Have you ever met someone who wasn't weird in any way? My philosophy is that they aren't going to change, so I may as well get over it. Nice that we can have tribe members all over the world.

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    1. Lisa: The only normal people are those that we don't know very well. And it is LOVELY that we can have tribe members everywhere. And that there are lots of tribes for us to call home.

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  11. Love the word tribe and I am happy you let me in:) Hug B

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    1. Buttons: It is my pleasure to include you.

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  12. I'm so cold here today, EC, that I don't want to think, Ha!Ha! I must remember to give compliments...sometimes we get in a groove and forget to think of the other guy like we should.

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    1. Bookie: Guilty here too. But for some reason paying compliments seems to be harder to remember than criticising. Too hot to think here. Swap?

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  13. I like that last one! Bloggers really are an awesome group.

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    1. mail4rosey: Aren't they? I am so happy to have found the blogosphere.

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  14. Replies
    1. Author R. Mac Wheeler: I can think of several tribes you belong in. The dog/animal/tree/sky/nature lovers. Authors (which fills me with awe). And appreciators.

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  15. What weirdos? I've looked all around, and read a lot of blogs today. No weirdos.

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  16. Eccentric. That's the word I was looking for, after a conversation I had earlier this evening. I should blog about it too.

    I once had a negative friend. I've been hiding from her ever since I discovered how often I'd feel down after she'd told me stuff that was for my own good.

    It's true, bloggers are the best and I'm so happy to see people still blogging!!

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    1. Guyana-Gyal: One of my friends has told me for a long time I am eccentric. I deny it.
      And yes, the stuff for our own good can be truly depressing. Does she ever tell you that you are a supreme wordsmith and a sharer of beauty? She should. You are.

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    2. You are most kind!

      My friend once told me I was mad. hahaha. Lunatic laughter
      :-)

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    3. Guyana-Gyal: The same friend I assume... Mind you, laughter is always good.

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  17. Oh, I am guilty ... I have a negative side that eats at me. But, truth is, I come to visit my blog friends to get away from it. I rarely have to deal with politics and religion on a blog and that is where all of my negatives seem to be hovering these days. So wierd ... oh yes, I am guilty of that too, but I have come to love being weird and I find the friends I love the most are as weird as me. Life is interesting ... as we grow up we think we have to meet somebody's standards (which we never can to anybody's satisfaction)so we go through the earliest years of our lives feeling inadequate :( Then, when we finally grow up, we realize we are more than adequate, we are awesome in our own way and wierd, yes and isn't it grand. Love you EC ... you bring the best out in all of us ...

    Andrea @ From the Sol

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    1. Andrea Priebe: My negative self gnaws on me too. Often. And then I remember the story about the Indian boy talking to his grandfather. His grandfather tells him that he has two wolves who fight inside him. One of them is kind and giving, and the other a bad-tempered wolf who thrives on nastiness. The grandson asks 'Which one wins the fight'.
      The answer? 'The one I feed.

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    2. How very insightful ... I love this story.

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    3. jenny_o: It spoke very loudly to me when I came across it in an otherwise unremarkable book. And has stayed with me.

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    4. It is a wonderful truth that I have heard before (Hmmm, I wonder if someone thought they needed to tell me that or if I just heard it :) My negative side has been poked (to use your term). I never used to be negative but watching what is happening to the country that I have loved has made me angry especially because it has gone so far that I don't know if it can be undone. I was born in a democracy and I now live in an olagarchy where the poor, the disabled, those of color, even the mostly white middle class don't have a say anymore. It breaks my heart. So I keep trying to say what needs to be said, but I feel like I am spitting in the wind ... no one hears or cares. Thus my negative side is making itself known :( And you are right ... I shouldn't feed it, but then what can I do ... I don't want to just accept that this is the way it has to be.

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    5. Andrea Priebe: You are not alone. So not alone. And remembering that helps me when I spit into the wind. Some day, enough of us will be spitting at once and changes will happen. Slowly. Incrementally. On darker days I wonder whether I will ever see that, but I have to keep trying. I have to live with myself and I refuse to accept injustice. Accepting it feels too much like condoning it.

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  18. Yes we are your tribe. And you are a big part of mine too.

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    1. All Consuming: I am thinking we need tribal make-up - and a dance.

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  19. Well, I see nothing negative about you or your blog, EC...you're part of my tribe, and I'm glad to be part of yours. :)

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    1. Lee: There is certainly some negatives in my life and character - part of the whole. And I do love our tribe(s).

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  20. Well, I think you are amazing and I am glad to call you a friend. Make sure you believe that.

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    1. ditchingthedog: Thank you. A work in progress. And right back at you.

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  21. I've always been part of a tribe of weirdos, and I am OK with that. However, I have never been good with accepting criticism, especially from those I love. The sting hurts and lasts longer.

    I think we weirdos are the best tribe of all and I am happy that you are one of us. We are wonderful, good, and kind people and we rock!

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    1. Starting Over, Accepting Changes - Maybe: I have never felt I fitted in, and struggled with it for a long time. Now? There are enough weird places and peoples for me to feel at home. Which is lovely. And yes on the criticism front. It hurts. And I don't need it from well intentioned strangers as well.

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  22. A skill probably no other animal has but we do is tact, diplomacy, couching things in more positive language. It is very easy to offend. It takes a smarter person to say the same thing in a manner that does not offend.

    I am pleased to be among your diverse collection.

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    1. Andrew: Part of the magic is that it isn't a one weirdo fits all collection. There is room for variation - and I love that.

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  23. It's my policy to keep my mouth shut as firmly as I can when I see some character or behaviour quirk which could do with a little improving. I've even (finally) learnt to do so with Mr A!

    I'm extremely proud of being one of the weirdos in your tribe.

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    1. Alexia: And I am very, very happy to have you in one of my tribes. Possibly more than one.

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  24. Oh, how I can relate...

    It's rare that I come across those who say, "me too". Perhaps I don't get out enough, or perhaps too many are guarded these days.
    But, when I do, it is a rare and true pleasure :)

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    1. Vicki: And your tribe has hearts bigger than the ocean. Caring, creative hearts.

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  25. I like that last one about these weirdos being your tribe! That's really cool. I admire old couples who can live together so long overlooking the little quirks and habits that might drive others batty even though they're something everyone does. It's an unbelievable skill to be able to do that.

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    1. Strayer: And no-one in your tribe can walk past a cat. Any cat. And I love that you constantly work at making life better for them - sometimes at huge cost to yourself.

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  26. Replies
    1. Practical Parsimony: Who is weird? Most of us. Probably all of us. In a whole range of ways...

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  27. Do I ever wonder? Why, yes, yes I do, about several issues. Like why am I not filthy rich like some of the other dumb bunnies in the world? (Not all rich people are smart).
    I should probably read your post now.....
    aha! people who tell you stuff for your own good.
    I haven't heard that from anybody for a long, long, time.
    Wait a minute now....does this mean I'm perfect? (*~*)
    Love that losing control picture. I've borrowed it and it will reappear one Whimsical Wednesday.

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    1. River: Of course you are perfect? Have you any doubt? And losing control is brilliant isn't it?

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  28. Urgh, that first meme repulses me. However, I'm glad to be part of your tribe :)

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    1. Michael D'Agostino: The more the merrier. The weirder the better.

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  29. "The night I lost control…" I laughed.

    And I am, as you know, so very, very glad you are one of my people.

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  30. I am so glad for the tribes I've found on the internet, too, EC. There is so much good here! And you are one of the most encouraging and positive people I've found. I truly feel I've become a more positive person since discovering blogland. I make a conscious effort to only visit the people I admire and follow their example. And this carries over into my daily life.

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    1. And by daily life I mean real life. And should point out that having had one very critical parent, I learned to be critical also, and I need all the examples and lessons I can get.

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    2. jenny_o: I had not one but two critical parents. Very, very critical. With inflexible standards. It is an ongoing work in progress to step away from the example they set. I love, love, love the warmth and the wonder of the blogosphere. The kindred souls, the different perspectives, the laughter, the beauty, the education. The sharing. Most of all the sharing.

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  31. Oh EC, that last one is................just perfect!
    x

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    1. Rose ~ from Oz: It is very, very true as well.

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  32. You are right, I love the blogosphere, you can be honest with them.

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    1. Bob Bushell: And you can, (and do) share some magic.

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  33. without even reading your post, yes I wonder, all the time, about everything. now I'll go back and read it

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    1. Linda Starr: Wonder is something I do all the time as well. About so many things.

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  34. I am reminded of the phrase, if you can't say something nice then don't say anything at all, but then again can we not say things in a way they can be received or should we be fence riders and never have an opinion.

    not sure one can be completely honest on the blogs, at least not politically since it can come back to bite you.

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    1. Linda Starr: I am in favour of honesty. But I have also noticed how often the only honesty that people use is about the negative things. There is room for both.
      I am happy to disagree with people (there isn't anyone I agree with all the time). I am not happy with aggression.

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  35. "Mind you, as a related aside, why is it so much easier to accept and believe criticism than the opposite?"

    I've read this has to do with one, family patterning. At some point, way back, negativity became the norm and people passed it on, thinking they were being 'real' with their children when in reality, they were training their children to be and expect negativity. I have seen similar patterns in my own family, though obviously it's a complex history!

    Another is the way Western corporations work using advertisements and the media to tell the consumer that he/she is unattractive, unhappy, unfulfilled, to sell a product (or many products). Being hit in the head with this message day in and out has a profound effect on our psyches... if we're told over and over to look for what we lack, whether it's real or not, we get into the habit of it.

    It's why self-care, self kindness, and fellow weirdo tribes are so important.

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    1. Raquel Somatra: Self-care and self-worth are closely linked. If the second wasn't taught, the first is almost impossible to undertake. A work in progress.

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    2. This would also be why self-help books and other related therapies are such big sellers. We should somehow try to start a generation of children who all believe they are good enough, marvellous young beings who will carry this forward. I tried very hard to instil this in my kids and they are all well-adjusted adults.

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    3. River: Your children are lucky. Very lucky. I was never good enough, and I wrestle with it still.

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  36. I cherish being a member of your tribe! Hugs to you. :)
    There is too much negativity in this world, too much intolerance. It's smothering and deafening.
    As an aside, only speaking to the cat is a good way to live, in my opinion.

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    1. River Fairchild: Hugs and more hugs back to you. Always.
      The cats tell me some very negative truths some days as well. But they do also tell me some positive things. It is positively time to feed them is one of them.

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  37. HI EC Gosh it has taken my ages to read through your post AND all the comments. I even looked up the meaning of weird!! Now that I have looked that up, I think I am not weird but "different"! I don't like being round negetive people, they can drag you down if you let them, I am a straight talking gal and I am honest. Now I know sometimes some people cannot take that and sometimes I could be more tactful. I do feel I am in the "tribe" of bloggers now, and have been made most welcome. I do like people to let me know if there is something wrong in my blog and I have learned lots this way. Equally if I find something in others that I know is incorrect, if they have an email address, I will write to them personally (I do wish everyone showed their email address), other than that I will write it in a comment. Have a wonderful day and thanks for your great blog.

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    1. Margaret Adamson: The comments I receive make the post. I am so very grateful to everyone who takes the time. Well almost everyone. There is an irrelevant and rude commentator I can do without.
      I am always happy to hear of ways to improve things - but like the balance to be there. And if all I ever hear is the negatives I start to wonder about the deliverer.
      Weird/different? In this context the labels mean much the same.

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  38. The older i get, the more comfortable i am telling people to 'pound sand' when they offer unsolicited criticism in the form of advice.... Happy to be in your tribe!

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    1. daisyfae: I am getting better at ignoring unsolicited criticism. I am not getting better at accepting compliments. More work to be done, but I am aiming for balance.
      I am very, very happy with all of the tribes I have found here. Love the way they intersect, and the differences.

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  39. I am very happy to be part of your tribe :)

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  40. I've told people very nice things for their own good. As I get older, I find it to be more and more of my job, as the culture seems to be for everyone to complain about everything constantly. And yet there are lovely people with amazing strengths driven into self-doubt over psychological issues and the strain of life.

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    1. John Wiswell: How lovely to hear that you take the positive path. Unsurprising - but lovely. And yes, self-doubt thrives in our culture. For a variety of complicated reasons.

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  41. People were once gossiping about me at work and I spoke to a wise co-worker about it. She listened patiently, then said, "Stop and ask yourself about the person who is bringing you this information" (that people were talking about me). That made me stop and think--what is the motive behind telling me what people were saying? I was better off not knowing, really--it just made me paranoid and uncomfortable.

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    1. Stephanie Faris: How wonderful that you had such a wise woman working with you. And that you were able to take her wisdom on board.

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  42. I have ONE HATER on the internet who makes it her full time job sending emails of all the horrendous things I do where she is concerned. I haven't even been to her blog in two years, but the news still travels about me. Then I took a good look at HER tribe and realized it's silly to even care what those types of people hear about me.

    I like the readers I have, and if not for ya'll, I would have stopped posting years ago.

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    1. lotta joy: I have been lucky. The haters mostly leave me alone. There is one sad soul who blurts obscenities across my post once a week but I delete him/her and move on.
      I LOVE my readers.

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  43. I like being part of your tribe! In the words of one of my favorite movie characters, Mr. Miyagi, we are all "different but same."

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    1. Lynn: The differences and the sameness are magical aren't they? Links and learning opportunities.

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  44. Oh a tribe is indeed so much better than these negative people....glad I found you Soosie!

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    1. Donna@LivingFromHappiness: Wider and wider the circle expands... I am so very grateful to Ginnie and Marcie for the people, including you, that they expanded my world with.

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  45. I have somehow eliminated those people from my life. I encourage you to do the same!

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    1. Riot Kitty: A work in progress. Steps have been made. More steps will be taken.

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  46. The one with the keyboard is my favorite.

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    1. Snowbrush: I like it a lot myself. Clever and funny.

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  47. These kind of people drain all the happy energy from people! Although their attitude says everything about them and nothing about us.

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    1. ladyfi: Sometimes they are right (the honest souls) but they only work with half the picture. Dangerous....

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  48. Have you seen the movie Muriel's Wedding where the father constantly tells his now adult kids they are a useless lot and as a result they all just laze about the house the whole time? I always want to smack him.

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    1. River: I haven't seen it - but it sounds like the classic self-fulfilling prophecy. And I wish that someone did smack people like that. Hard.

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  49. This is exactly why I LOVE cats!!

    xxxxxxxxxx

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    1. My Inner Chick: And they are beautiful as well...

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  50. And a great tribe, come to that.

    I usually try to avoid those energy suckers you mention here. I don't need their negativity in my life. No one does. I guess they must be very unhappy people.

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    1. Carola Bartz: I agree that they are unhappy people. I would prefer they didn't try and drag everyone down to meet them though.

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  51. I love the last one! Perfect! :)

    I think we are more inclined to believe the criticism because it plays on our own fears and worries. Such a shame because we should really focus more on the wonderful things people say to us and the compliments we receive.

    I started a folder at work called Happy Notes. In it I place all the praise and compliments people give me that relate to my job. Then, when someone is not so nice (or plain mean and angry) I listen and then I take out my file and look through it. It does help me to remember the good and let go of the negative. :)

    Wishing you a fabulous day!

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    1. Stephanie@Fairday's Blog: Happy notes is a wonderful idea. Thank you.
      I think you are right about criticism and too often our sternest critic is ourself.
      Love the tribe(s) I have found though.

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  52. Life is too short to be surrounded by negativity. I try to see the positive in everything and if I can't will quickly walk away. No need to be surrounded by negative vibes :) However I am visiting because I wanted to personally thank you for your nice comment about my paintings on the 2justbyou blog and wish you could luck!
    Enzie

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    1. Portraits-by-NC: Welcome and thank you. I loved your work.

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  53. Those sanctimonious people who feel moved to tell us something for "our own good" are usually a bunch of insensitive boobs. Beware of anything that follows the phrase, "I hate to be the one to tell you, but..." or "Not that it's any of my business, but..." or "No offense intended, but..." Those "but" statements usually originate from butt-heads. (Not that I have an opinion...)

    I'd be proud to be in "your tribe."

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    1. Susan: They are almost always right too. It isn't any of their business. On the other fronts? Strangers to the truth. They enjoy spreading their doom and gloom and are happy to cause offence. And to be offended when you call them.
      I would be privileged to have you in any one of my tribes.

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  54. I had a school friend who constantly said "I don't like to say this but..." and I have spent the rest of my life trying to never do the same. I'm sure I fall short now and then but really, the nay-saysers and the prophets of doom and the people who just like to make others unhappy have no place in my life (or yours). My glass floweth over most of the time and I love and recognise those of my tribe who feel much the same. ((((EC))))

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    1. Carol: I suspect that friend did like to say those things... Yay for the tribe.

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  55. I completely and totally relate to this post!!! I am so glad you are in my tribe too. I know we don't talk much but the bits we HAVE talked about have been really priceless to me. I just think you're so awesome. And I agree... if you cannot say something nice, don't say anything at all!! Except... sometimes you don't realize how it sounds when you say something and sometimes it does depend on how the other person receives it... the mood they are in. So its a gamble either way.

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    1. Furry Bottoms: I am not against criticism (when it is honest and helpful) I just get peeved because some people ONLY criticise. And yes, I am so very grateful for the tribe. You included.

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  56. I recognize the faults you mention in myself.

    Oh well. I must try harder.

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    1. Andrew Maclaren-Scott: Somehow I doubt that. The faults I mean, not the effort.

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